Several Executive Orders were signed by Trump last night in what he said was an effort to bring the country and the world together. He said, “There is just too much divisiveness and since I am the great unifier, I am signing these orders.” Trump has tasked J.D. Vance with adding these tasks to his already burgeoning anti-woke portfolio.
According to one of these orders, the White House will hence forth be known as the ‘Trump House.’ Trump said that the use of the term ‘White’ was divisive and since he is the paragon of objective and rational thought and is so widely loved and respected it made sense to use the term Trump House going forward. He said the appropriate neon signage would be erected soon.
In a seemingly contradictive Executive Order, he decreed that in future government sponsored documents seeking demographic information, terms such as ‘Black’, ‘Afro American’, ‘Hispanic’, ‘Asian or Pacific Islander’, shall all be eliminated and there will only be two options – ‘White’ and ‘Other’. He said that detailed demographic information is divisive but, in this case, the continued use of the term ‘White’ was OK because everyone knew that America was predominantly a white country.
Trump tasked Vance with coming up with new names for a number of places on the globe that Trump views as divisive, offensive, or nonsensical. This will start with Greenland. Trump stated that since Greenland is primarily covered with ice, it makes no sense to continue to call it Greenland, so he asked Vance to suggest other names. Vance immediately suggested ‘Trumpland,’ and the President said it had a nice ring to it. The decision has not yet been finalized.
Trump ordered the Panama Canal should now be known as the American Canal. He said that America built the canal and so we should get credit for that and ordered all maps be changed to reflect that and banned the use of the term ‘Panama Canal’ in all government communications. Linda, McMahon, the Secretary of Education, in a parallel move, decreed that only textbooks using the new term will be approved for use in American schools.
The President issued another order stating the terms ‘North Dakota’ and ‘South Dakota’ were divisive because they invoked memories of the Civil War between the North and South and they would be hence forth be known as ‘Upper Dakota’ and ‘Lower Dakota.’ Kristi Noem, the former governor of South Dakota and now Trump’s Secretary of Homeland Security, initially objected but after a conversation with Elon Musk, she agreed to the change.
Trump, as a bit of a thank you to his new BFF, Elon Musk, signed an Executive Order stating that the planet Mars will henceforth be known as the planet Musk. He ordered NASA and all government agencies to immediately make the change in all their documents and in all future communications. He also stated that any country that does not agree to this change will be subject to additional sanctions and tariffs.
The President has signed so many Executive Orders that he is showing signs of carpal tunnel syndrome. His doctors have advised him to slow down but he said that he will work through the pain in his effort to make America great again! And we can all thank Trump for his sacrifice!
It is a sad day in this country when April Fool’s Day, which used to be a day dedicated to fun, laughter, and pranks, has morphed into a day to actually honor fools! And heaven knows, we have a government full of them. Happy April Fool’s Day!
